This is a brave testimonial from one of our facilitators, expert in addictive behaviours, who will lead a retreat, focused on overcoming addictions. It was written right after an Ayahuasca retreat on which he deciphered the entire mechanism of his addictions and was therefore able to heal his problem from its root, so that the foundations of his addiction collapsed like a house of cards.

Nowadays, much after this happened, and having undergone an intense training around this issue, he is supporting people who are in a similar situation to his own, back in the day.

Living abducted by oneself…

I have been held hostage by my own life, I have bitten countless times the forbidden apple, I have been my own putrid apple, I have been idly watching as my wound grew, I have been fighting too long the same losing battle, I have been anchored to the past without finding a way out and when I finally did see it, it caused a stampede.

I was the sole defendant and witness at my own trial, lost long before it even started, I saw the saddest ending whilst dreaming of a different beginning before it was all over, I kept myself awake for a thousand nights so that my mind would not remember, I have felt utter solitude whilst surrounded by so many who loved me.

I forgot myself in dark hideouts that I myself have built, I paid the ransom with a thousand screams and tears but no one answered, I have gone round and round in my own head without ever understanding myself, I have tasted the bitter taste of unrequited love, I have suffered the dark aftermath of all the times I destroyed myself.

I have searched a thousand ways and a thousand different places without ever finding the freedom I craved until now, I reached the maximum levels of un-control until I saw my whole world come off the rails, I pretended that I cared for no one nor anything and went mad with rage seeing myself cry afterwards, breaking everything I touched, hurting myself, yet denying it and constantly deceiving myself into thinking that I actually enjoyed all this.

I lived between imaginary bars that I did not know how to escape from, even though all I had to do was to believe it was possible. I had wings, but did not know how to fly, I hit rock-bottom and did not want to react, I felt sad and could not get any better, I was asleep and was not trying to awaken, I felt like I was choking myself and I let myself be choked, I could not see that all I had to do was look inside myself to start all over.

Today I exterminate all that which my soul no longer needs, before I blew my life up into a thousand pieces and rather than of accepting the blame, I threw it upon dynamite. I will never again forget to show my favourite smile, and it is not true that our life is written beforehand, for it is our soul which inhabits it and it is our spirit who screams at us to leave behind all that which is not appropriate and to live our life in the same way as we wish for it to be described some day.

Victor Chico Jimenez



Ayahuasca International holds Inner Evolution retreats with therapeutic use of Ayahuasca in several countries in Europe. Click the links for specific information on each retreat.

Madrid, December 1 to 5

Berlin, December 6 to 11

Barcelona, December 7 to 11

Belgium, December 8 to 11

Berlin, December 14 to 18

Amsterdam, December 15 to 18

Berlin, December 27 to January 1

Cologne, December 27 to January 1

Vienna, December 28 to January 1

Click here for a complete listing of  information of all the 2016/17 Ayahuasca International Retreats Calendar . It includes subsequent links to information, prices and booking procedure for each retreat.

For bookings or to request any further information call to +49 (0) 171 987 6655 (also available by whatsapp) or write to [email protected] 

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