THE COMPLEX FEELING OF LOVE AND HATE TOWARDS PARENTS:
How to guide a healing process of wounds without getting lost along the way or ending up complicating the problem?
Paola, a retreat participant wrote to me:
Today I witnessed an emotional unblocking where someone underwent a catharsis to expel the hatred that he felt and that maybe he didn’t even realise was so hidden. It happened during the conscious integration that takes place at the Inner Mastery International inner evolution retreat, and I have asked myself: Is it really necessary to connect with hatred in order to reach reconciliation or love? If so, that hatred should not be mental, but should arise naturally. That hatred can not be imposed by the facilitator, as if it were a projection of the hatred of another activating the hatred of the participant.
You do not abuse the soul through the mind in order to accompany it. The soul needs to be accompanied to do it alone. To recognise everything that arises. Not take anyone to do anything.
Focusing on potential is precisely letting oneself be guided by what the soul needs to heal. For the power of that love that guides it. At the soul level. And at the mental level afterwards.
It is a truly extraordinary opportunity to answer this question, because it exposes many parallel and interconnected realities, which allow me to clarify a series of very deep points in relation to the INNER EVOLUTION method that we use at our retreats throughout much of the world.
Hate, which is clearly mental, can leave naturally or forced by some situation. There isn’t much difference between either because what comes out is hatred, and it comes from the same place: a mind that has repressed love, and now it has become an anger energy that has settled in the body as a destructive emotion. Hatred is mental and anger is bodily, but they are interconnected. Hate plans revenge, envy and wants to destroy, creating thoughts of distrust and despair. But anger is more innocent because it is hatred installed in the cells, which lives in the shadows of fibres and muscles, crouched in the shadows until receiving the order of hatred in order to become manifest.
People who do not connect with or remove the hatred and anger that they have inside are usually destined to be submissive. When anger and rage are repressed, there is an encapsulation of energy that goes inwards, so they can be people who swallow things, who do not react,who can be mistreated and not react. Instead of projecting hatred outwards, they introject it. But when people bring out hidden hatred outside of a therapeutic context it can be dangerous because it has no control or is contained. It happens to many people who live in a state of anger that surfaces in their day to day; angry about anything, pissed off at all people. Many of them form part of armies, armed bands or terrorist groups because they need to express all the hatred they carry inside. Therefore it is not convenient to repress it because it becomes a bomb, or to express it outside a framework of contention because it can harm others. There have already been many dictators full of hatred who, in fact, have killed millions of people.
In the case where it is done with a therapeutic intention, there are many techniques that have been studied deeply that make it possible without any risk. The person feels very relieved when taking out the hatred; screaming, hitting mattresses or in other various ways. The way of guiding or provoking this expression of hatred towards the outside can be done from different internal places of the therapist or facilitator who practices it, but the most important thing is that the guide must have a healing approach that is not merely the activator of hatred. The secret in this case is to have a deep vision of the person, being aware that behind all this hatred there is repressed love. here is a great sensitivity hidden and that has never come to light; because if the focus is from a place of potential, the therapeutic gaze will be placed on love and freedom, and not on hate or repression. In this way hatred will not be strengthened, but rather the door to love will be opened.
There is a fear in many people to express hatred and anger believing that they are going to remove possibility of loving and forgiving from the person, which is a lie, or more precisely, that fear comes from a distrust in the ability to love and to understand what each individual has. It is also true that hatred, impotence and resentment is sometimes so strong that the person can end up in a transitory madness by the expression of so much accumulated and repressed anger. In those cases, there is a need for people who are experts in containing these situations. Then the unblocked person feels reborn, discharged from an accumulation of immense destructive energy. It is only the beginning of a liberation process, but it is of vital importance.
The problem arises when this hatred is addressed towards the mother and /or the father, because the internal conflict arises between the love that is felt from the soul towards them and the hatred that is felt from a mind that has not been able to integrate the ill-treatment , lack of love, authoritarianism or contempt. Then Paola’s question makes sense: Is it really necessary to connect with hatred in order to reach reconciliation or love? My opinion, contrasted with hundreds of people that I have seen as releasing hatred and anger before connecting with love, is that “it is not necessary to connect and express hatred, but it is ABSOLUTELY INDISPENSABLE”. If it is not done, it will remain as a shadow, like a time bomb, camouflaged behind a cloak of supposed healing. If the therapists take you directly to the love you feel for your parents because of the fact that they are your parents and because your soul so wishes, without going through the hard part of recognising the peripheral part of the hatred produced by the lack of respect that they have had for your freedom and your power, then you will be accessing a process of self-deception, which sooner or later will need a new deep investigation. We have already seen it in many people who tell us “I have worked on or healed the problem with my parents”. As we lead them into the hidden interior of their thoughts, anger, resentment, hatred and the desire to scream, like defenceless children, all those that they did not dare to tell them at the time, is inevitable because they were innocent and impotent. How can a child insult his parents? It is impossible. How can a child prevent their parents from projecting their anger if they are not psycho-emotionally prepared for it? Children absorb without saying anything. They accept everything. They do not reject anything that comes from their parents, and that is the whole problem. That innocence is the weakest and most susceptible part of consciousness. I even dare to affirm that innocence is the most unconscious part of consciousness. It is a pure and immaculate door through which the blessed traumas get in, that will later give rise to a wonderful search for healing, reconciliation and love for the soul of those who have conditioned and traumatised us. It looks like a macabre game but it’s great. It is the basis of human evolution: RECONCILIATION
There is no need to put the soul and mind at war, they are two parts of the same thing. The mind contains the limitation, the soul the potentiality. The mind remembers the traumas, has kept them and transformed them into characters, destructive emotions and suffering; the soul remembers the essence, the deep love for the parents even if they have been the worst, feels gratitude and wants reconciliation. Therefore both sides of the same coin must be addressed. The only issue to be taken into account in this process is order and priority. IF YOU DO NOT ATTEND FIRST TO THE MIND AND THE HATRED THAT IS FELTS, EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO DO WITH THE SOUL WILL BE A SUPERFICIAL COVER. If hate does not come out, if anger does not manifest itself openly, it will be camouflaged behind a sense of healing that has no depth. But if we allow ourselves to connect with and remove all that is repressed, see it, recognise it and contemplate it with sincerity and comprehension, we will be freed from the guilt of feeling it secretly or from the unconscious, and that will open the way to authentic reconciliation, because the movement towards love will be made from a hatred transcended by consciousness, not hidden by the need to heal.
Therapists who are fathers or mothers, must be very clear about this, although it will challenge us in the fact that our children will have to do the same with us, sooner rather than later, if they really want to heal the wound with the parents. If we are children, we can not escape from the same process.
You might say “my parents treated me well” “my children have not suffered traumas” “my parents have been exemplary” “my children do not need to connect with or express hatred to heal”. I will devote another article soon for all those people soon, because I am willing to demystify the purity and kindness of the parents. I am ready to show that every human harbours a core of resentment with their parents. If not, humanity would not be as bad as it is. Hate is as real as love, they are the two faces of reconciliation. We need deep healing with our parents. It is a job for the brave. It is hard and confrontational, but an incredible liberation.
Alberto josé Varela