Chronicle of a spiritual wanderer
Misleading and wise Loneliness: We are, apparently, separated parts from the whole.
I do not think there is any understanding more difficult to assimilate than the idea that we are alone; even though we are accompanied and even though millions of people surround us, we’ll always be alone, so we came and so we’ll leave. In this chapter I will discuss the consciousness of solitude needed to be a seeker.
The seeking journey of a spiritual wanderer forces him to carry an idea that permeates his entire luggage, and he should never forget that thought because it would be very dangerous to go on without having it in mind; the idea is that he is alone. The day he forgets it, the continuity of his trip in search of himself will be at risk.
A wanderer is someone going alone, he doesn’t need any company, having company would be a load that wouldn’t allow him to move freely. A wanderer decides for himself at every movement, every step; he knows where to stop and when to go again. He doesn’t ask anyone about how long he must stay in each place, he doesn’t doubt about leaving when he feels like it, even though he has reached the best places and even though he was offered the best proposals. He can stay and accept what he was given, enjoy and take advantage of it, a spiritual seeker doesn’t know how to say NO to offer, he listens to all of them, without exception, but access “only” to those he feels he should, and he knows he will never stay there, that nowhere is the final destination and thus doesn’t sign permanent contracts but neither puts any due date to commitments. He knows that his path will continue, somewhere else, and with another situation. A vagabond is a tenacious, maverick seeker who always sets his eyes beyond everything that can be seen, he looks past the apparent conveniences and interests and what can be assessed. In fact, when starting his way, the vagabond had to leave attachments and dependencies; this is how he started and this is how he will continue, without looking back.
Let me repeat this again and again: “Here I am, alone, that’s how I was born and that’s how I will die, in absolute solitude”, that loneliness has accompanied me since can make use of reason; it is a feeling of infinite utility; it is what saved me from blaming others for what happened to me, because everything that happens to me is all I deserve, I produce it myself; it also prevented me from loading my weight on other people; my weight is mine and no one else’s, I’m in charge of what’s mine and I do not accept outside burdens; this also prevented any possibility to make excuses for not being able to do something because of outside causes, if I don’t want it is because I can’t and if I can’t it’s because I don’t want.
Everything starts and ends within me, no one can be inside of me. I’m alone, that’s the idea.
Beautiful solitude
Loneliness is an existential reality that we can’t escape from. Loneliness is not only the silence in which the freedom to be yourself was born, it is also a constant meditative therapy; if we do not see loneliness as an enemy, if it does not come from isolation, if it does not happen because of a social resentment; the loneliness one feels and enjoys is called by the master Osho “solitude”, it is the harmonious state linked to the idea of being alone; it is a beautiful solitude because it enables the miracle of understanding who we are, where we come from and where we are going to and this is why a spiritual wanderer madly falls in love with loneliness. It will be his companion until the end of the road. The acceptance of loneliness as a reality is the first door enabling to see inside of the seeker. Being alone is how one can begin to see.
Awareness of one’s loneliness insures the survival of the spiritual wanderer, he knows that nobody will ever accompany him, he may have company, share with people he loves along the way, but even in the moment of greatest intimacy with these people, he knows that is alone. He can love and be with those he loves his whole life, but he will always be alone.
Understanding loneliness as an existential reality is the foundation that can support us in an unpredictable journey where a simple look at the outside can distract us and stop the wonderful trip.
Wonderful ego strategy
Solitude is actually a lie, nobody is truly alone; but at the beginning of the trip it is vital to reconcile with loneliness to understand that there is nobody else to start the search, you’re the only one who is and will be there, deciding, taking over, facing situations, integrating lessons, moving on… And then, later, all wanderer, going on with his path, realizes that he has never been alone, never; and that no one has ever been alone, that loneliness is a feeling that is caused by the apparent separateness with the whole. One cannot be alone in an existence in which everything is one thing and one reality only, in which everything is related and connected with everything.
We are one. Existence is one. Everything existing in it is also one thing only. Things seem to be separated by spaces and distances, but this it is not how it is, this is nothing but appearance; even nothing is part of the whole, it is the connective fabric of all that exists on the material level. It connects everything with everything. Nothingness brings us together and unites us, it intimately embraces us all in the bonds of love, and this is why Osho said that love is not a relationship but what links us to the whole. Because love is that subtle connectivity that unites everything.
Yes, it is true that we are alone, but united, stuck, doing the same thing, giving birth to the same thing: existence. This is why existing is so precious, for it means being part of the whole. This is why wandering is so exciting, because the wanderer reproduces the journey of unknown energy orbits, those we have travelled millions of years ago. But now, here, at the material level, within a body, on a distant planet, engaged in a carnal reality that longs to reconnect with its eternal spiritual essence.
Existence is one, I am one with the existence and you are too. THERE IS NO LONELINESS, this is a necessarily deceitful idea, only necessary for the beginning of the journey, because we are so used to depend on others, to lean on others, to ask for help, to be rescued, that we can’t start to trust ourselves. When a spiritual wanderer starts his journey he should know that he is alone even if only for a moment, this is how he begins to trust. The idea of loneliness is a ploy to disconnect from all and enable self-trust, it’s the most effective and elegant way to get rid of others, to pull them out of road, this is how consciousness takes a step into understanding the whole.
Loneliness is not mine or yours, it belongs to the existence. The existence is indeed alone and it is one, there is nothing but existence. In any journey within it no one will ever be alone.
On this trip as a spiritual wanderer, stars, rivers, the sun and the moon, clouds, sea, mountains, animals and plants, even the people, whoever they are, even my enemies and those I never met have been my companions.
A spiritual wanderer perceives clearly that feeling alone was only a temporarily useful invention.
You’ve never been alone. You are not alone. You will never be. Even though you feel alone inside, look outside, observe everything around you, you are accompanied by the whole. Dare to trust yourself first, trust is the eternal fuel produced when you understand the transitory idea of loneliness.
You might be part of many groups, have a family, live in communes, mingle with the crowd, but remember that regarding what really matters and what will save you in any situation, everything is inside of you and your awareness of loneliness will enable you to face life and its issues.
The spiritual wanderer told me, whispering in my ear: “Do not be afraid Alberto, do not feel alone, what guides the stars guides you too. The same energy that drives galaxies also moves us, human beings; the same wisdom that expands the outside spaces can expand the interior spaces.”
We walk through life alone but accompanied by the whole existence. What a wonderful annoyance.
Alberto José Varela
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