AN IMPORTANT THEME: THE LACK OF IMPORTANCE
If you decide to give importance and/or be important it’s because you are on a journey of healing the main wounds of childhood.
This week our cat Luna has has 6 kittens. She is showing me so many things about her way of acting with her children. She is 100% absorbed and committed to giving them everything they need. She gives so much importance to the care of each one of them that it makes me feel emotional to see such dedication. With humans something different happens, in the care and attention that we give our children. We navigate extremes from overprotection to disregard, from abandonment to complete control. From obsession to manipulation. The difference in human “children” is that they process much deeper emotions and feelings due to the fact that we have a consciousness that makes us realise and draw conclusions about the things that happen to us. Perception around care and/or the importance that our parents give us allow ideas and thoughts to arise in us that will, in great measure, guide our lives.
If you have not been important to anyone, or no-one has been important to you, you are in a very “important” mess, from which you can emerge by giving importance to this issue, by applying consciousness and heart. If you permit me to, I suggest that you give importance to this moment of reading. It’s true that you will be giving importance to me or to my writing, but apart from that you will be giving importance to your desire for self improvement. It will be a pleasing and important experience.
In order to understand the importance that being important plays in life we need to return to the origin, the relationship with our parents or those who have accompanied us in our first years of life. Here lie the secrets of the level of importance that we have been transmitted.
Have you been important to your parents? Have your parents been important to you? Many possibilities open up, in the first place because there my be a crossed relationship. You may have been important to your mother but not to your father or vice-versa. You may have been important to your father but not to your mother or vice-versa; and asides from that, the level of importance varies, you could give it a 1 – 10 for example. There are different levels. Resistance towards or need for importance arises from a combination of both.
So, if you come to the conclusion that the level of importance that you have had with your parents is less than 10, (10 being the maximum) obviously you have not been as important as you should have been. The resistance towards wanting to be important for others or to be afraid of being so comes from registering indignity at birth. The conclusion that you have reached is that nobody wants you to be important because you don’t deserve it. It will hurt you to be important, you will see it as obscene or disrespectful, and as a result you will avoid it in any way possible: hiding, cancelling, excluding and marginalising yourself, or whatever is worse to confirm the null importance that you have. On the other hand, in parallel, if the level of importance that you have had for your parents hasn’t reached 10, it is because they they have not been as important as you needed them to be, that is how you reach the conclusion that others don’t deserve to be important for you. There you will do everything possible so that no one will ever be, you will close the doors, you will isolate yourself, you will not allow anyone to enter in your life and certainly you will be afraid of intimacy; it could be very dangerous to allow yourself to fall in love with someone, feel attraction or want to be with other people because that would go against your conclusion: that they are not worthy of me. They are punished.
There are also very complex cross combinations, for example: if others were not important for me I don’t want to be important to them either; or, if I have not been important to others I won’t allow them to be important for me. A law of compensation or revenge attempts to level and create justice. If I have been important for my mother, but my mother has not made my feel important at her side but through her, therefore I will not be able to be important for myself rather I will always be important if I manage to be important for others, so I am going to want to be important for other but I will never feel important in myself or for myself. Mother and fathers who emotionally kidnap their children through the obsessive importance that they give them, hold their importance hostage. These are a few examples.
More all less generalised, the reality is that all we humans have a mix of both situations, we have neither been as important as we would have liked, nor have our parents been as important to us as we would have wished. There is a lack of importance that is registered as a psychoemotional importance that activates more or less consciously in a way of relating to others that contains a combination of both values of importance: that which I had in others and that which others had in me.
We are facing one of the most basic conditionings that governs our life.
Do we seek to be important? Why don’t we allow others to be important? The answers to both these questions depend in great part in our acts and our reactions. Our plans are governed by IMPORTANCE, or better said by the absence of importance, which arises an inferiority or superiority complex, which is the same thing manifest in different ways in order to try and compensate or balance this absence or to try and demonstrate that it wasn’t fair to live this lacking.
We can see in ourselves that often uncontrollable ambitious part of ourselves that dominates our desires to be more, to have more, to show more, or good… or that other submissive part of ourselves and devaluing that brings us to want to be less, or to adapt ourselves to the sufficient, or resign ourselves or hide ourselves from others because of shame, or to escape so that we never attract attention. They are the two terrible faces of the same human reality that manifests in many ways in human relationships: between rich and poor, dominants and submissives, perpetrators and victims, men and women… All united by the same word: IMPORTANCE. Be it from lacking, need, rejection, resistance, seeking or excess.
When we commit to resolving from the root our wounds, it is inevitable to have to traverse this tectonic layer of conditioning that is the same foundation as where the personality is built. To be, to want, to have, to do, to seek… are verbs that denote the how we act out in respect to the level of importance that we have recorded in our cells.
Phrases like: “You have done it wrong”. “You always mess up.” You are stupid, an idiot, you don’t pay attention”. “You don’t do as I say”. “You are not enough”. “You don’t reach the measure” “You should be another or different” that come from our childhood are brutally engraved on our subconscious governing our lives. Phrases like “You have done it very well child…” “I congratulate you, how well you do it” “The best is for you” “ You deserve love” “You are very important to me “Don’t worry about doing it perfectly just do it as you know how” “However it comes out what you do is perfect” are expressions that we would have enjoyed but are very absent in nearly all of us. Human parents have not understood how tremendously important it is that they are important to their children and how important their children should be to us. Family systems are infected by the incorrect handling of importance by those that carry it out, which many times comes from an inadequate use of power. Subjugation, submission, cancelling, self-exclusion and of course relentless rejection is born from this nucleus of humiliation and abuse.
For me there is no need to “give” importance, rather return it. We are already important, but we don’t see it. Creation has given us importance in the mere act of creating us. Existence has considered us important enough to give us life, allowing us to come to such an amazing planet, making us unique and irreplicable, showing us how much it respects us by making us different to others. No one is the same as you or me, this individuality is beautiful. It is importance that gives a sense of feeling big or small. When we give importance to something small, we become big inside, because it is the recognition of the importance of all things that allows us to reconnect from the heart with everything and everyone. When we are conscious of the importance that we have is when we realise we need to return it, and that is when it becomes healing.
Importance is pure medicine. Once it is taken and integrated, it creates a centre and axis from which everything can circulate, so that we no longer need it.
You reader are very important to me. If I write so much in my blog it’s because I want to be important to you.
Alberto José Varela
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